So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
