I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
