I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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