how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My breasts were aching with rage.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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