I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Sober January is a disaster.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Couch. On fire.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
