i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
