I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
