So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
