I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
