I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
