my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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