Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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