Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I didn't notice because vodka
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
