So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize