Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
