You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
