Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
