a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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