Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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