Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
