so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
