First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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