the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
