I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
