he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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