I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
