don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just gargled with NyQuil
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
