Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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