Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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