I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
