I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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