we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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