Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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