i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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