I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize