totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
