I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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