I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
