I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
