Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
