Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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