my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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