i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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