mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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