Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
