she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
only if we run a train.
done.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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