You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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