I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
