I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
