Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
