I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize