Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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