Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
