I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
