Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
