He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
