OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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