If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
