He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
