I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
