just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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