she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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