I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
