Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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