There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
