My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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