time to smoke my breakfast
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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