Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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