Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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