That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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