I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
